Hey Freak!

Picture this: me, as a high brow intellectual. Me.

Yeah, I can't do it, either.

Acronyms.

When they were first "invented," it was simple. They were used in place of a long phrase, making it easier to communicate.

Now? People just make shit up to sound smart. Or, like they're on the "cutting edge" of... whatever. Or maybe it's just cooler. Seriously, I know so many people who use acronyms just so they sound like they know what they're talking about. Sorry, buddy. You're not fooling me.

The one that always gets me? When, on medical dramas, they're rushing a patient to be operated on, and they say he's got "a GSW to the chest." GSW, meaning gunshot wound. Oddly enough, it takes longer (more syllables) to say "GSW" than it does to say "gunshot wound" (thanks to Suzie for pointing that out to me). So, in an environment where half-seconds are critical, they're wasting time.

OK, not much, but you see the point. The acronym is clumsy, and really, unnecessary.

I dunno. I know that some acronyms are needed, but damn, people need to stop overusing that shit. Yes, even the fun ones. Dammit, just say you're getting a blow job. "BJ" sounds like it'd be riding around in a truck with a bear.

Didn't you get the memo? We're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out. So if you could just remember to do that from now on, that'd be great.

Good morning, sports fans. Yeah, so I missed out putting up Match Game last Friday. I thought I'd have time before I had to disconnect my computer, but I guess I was wrong. Woops.

But we can't miss out on any more of these, so... here we are. Monday Match Game.

The panel for today, with... their first celebrity crushes.

Aurora - Johnny Depp during the 21 Jump Street era. Funny, no mention of Richard Grieco.

Michele - Leif Garrett. Had the poster, joined the fanclub, sealed letters with kisses. Doctors agree that she's currently not a danger to society.

Maine - Sheena Easton. But which one? The "My Baby Takes the Morning Train" one, or the one from the Bally's Fitness commercials?

Becki - first crush was... LaVar? From Reading Rainbow? I'm not familiar with this guy (never heard of the show), so I'm not able to satisfactorily make fun of her. You're lucky this time, Becki...

Alex - Rick Shroeder. Finally. I woulda been surprised if I got through this whole thing without one of these girls mentioning Rick or that dude from "Saved by the Bell." What was his name?

Joelle - surprisingly, her first crush wasn't me. It was John Taylor of Duran Duran. I knew I shoulda learned how to play bass instead of the violin.

Sorry, but first crushes make me laugh. For the record, mine was either the blonde(r) chick from Abba, or Julie the Cruise Director. Not Lauren Tewes, the actress who played her, but seriously, the character Julie. Quite literally, she was a blonde who showed everybody a good time. How can you not like someone like that? Heh. But, I digress. The questions:

1. Did you hear about the new Hawai'ian Wahine doll? Wind her up, and she gives you a ______.




2. Buoyed by their success of "Dancing with the Stars," ABC is releasing a different but similar version for next season... it's called "_____-ing with the Stars."




3. I was at a swinger wedding a while back, and it was pretty strange. At the end of the ceremony, the preist said "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the ____."




4. Ellen said "My husband is the world's worst carpenter. He tried to build a treehouse for our kids, but it looks more like a _____."




5. Lindsay Lohan is so skinny... (How skinny is she?) Well, she's so skinny, even _____ has been quoted saying "Damn, girl. Eat a sandwich!"



Bonus: Lemon _____

There ya go! Answers will be posted later on today below. Match all you want - we'll make more!

Somewhere in Bizarro world, Richard Grieco is busy filming the much-anticipated sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean, while Johnny Depp is pitching a Booker movie to Dreamworks.

Caribbean. OK, is it kah-RIB-bee-uhn? Or CARE-uh-BE-uhn? Unlike tomato/tomah-to, I think most people use both pronunciations, depending on the situation. The movie is Pirates of the CARE-uh-BE-uhn, and I'd like to take a vacation in the kah-RIB-bee-uhn. Let's call the whole thing off.

OK, Jo is only five years younger than I. Not that much of a difference. So how is it that she's gone through life without knowing what Chuck Woolery's "two and two" hand gesture means? We'll be back in two and two. I thought everybody knew that!

Today, I saw a woman on a corner holding a campaign sign. You see, there's a special Mayoral election coming up here in San Diego. Anyways, this woman was proudly showing off her sign with the name of her choice for mayor. Either that, or it was just a bold statement. The candidate's name? Dick Rider.

OK, maybe he goes by 'Richard.' Still, it was funny seeing a woman walking around with a "Rider for Mayor" sign. At 7:30am, no less.

I got another one of those "God take back America!" email forwards today... you know, where they say "90% of the country believes in God (or whatever the percentage), so we need to take back the country and found it on religious values." Whatever. It's not like that 90% all believes in the same God. Some people believe in the God that allows you to have multiple wives, and then force your pre-teen daughters to marry you. Some people believe in the God that hates fags. I'm assuming he also hates lesbians. And then, there are some people who believe in the God that loves everybody. So, which God should we follow?

Tell you what. When you get all 90% of God-believers believing in the exact same God, then I'll consider converting. Just consider.

Fine, fine. Lighter notes, and all.

Now that I think about it, Richard Grieco probably wouldn't make a bad pirate...

Oh shit. I almost forgot...

It's Marquee Monday!

OK. Ready? It's sing-along time! Here. Download this first. OK, ready?

So, there's a new Harry Potter book out, I guess. Why am I only guessing? Why am I not sure?

Because I'm one of the few people in the world who doesn't give a flying fuck about Harry Potter.

Maybe I'll be interested when he starts growing up, and figures that he can use his magical powers to get laid. But until then? Zzzzzzzzzz.

Tomorrow, we move to our new place. Today will be spent packing. Ugh.

Somebody tell me a joke. I'm sure we'll need a good laugh by the end of the day...