Hide the women and children; Im'a talk about farts...
OK, so... this will be tough for a lot of people to own up to, but... well, I don't see why. I mean, everybody does it, right? And everyone's got at least one...
One what?
This is just an assumption I'm making, and I don't see how it could be false, but... I think that everybody,
everybody has at least one fart that they'll remember for the rest of their lives. A "signature" fart, if you will. It could be because it was especially smelly... or loud... or just at an inopportune time... but everybody's got one. Am I right on this?
I'm guessing that most "signature" farts are remembered because of the smell. I mean, it's not like farts are all golden smelling or something, but every once in a while, one gets out that literally makes the room gasp for air. You know the kind I'm talking about - the kind that even
you can't stand, and you're the one who gave birth to the motherfucker. Like an evil genius who creates a weapon of mass destruction, but can't control it. Yeah. Doesn't everybody have one of these?
Like, my "signature" fart? It was when
Joelle and I were still just dating. I was over at her place watching.... I dunno, something on TV, and she was over by her computer doing... well, something. I don't know what I ate that day, but I guess I was kinda gassy... and a silent one escaped. It drifted a bit (so I didn't smell it at first), but when Jo came over to watch TV with me, she was all "Oh my God!" I swear, she went straight for the window, and I think she had tears in her eyes. Boy, I laughed so hard... until it finally drifted to me. Man, it sure wasn't funny then! But it's funny now, and that's all that counts.
OK people, spill it. I don't care if you leave a fake name, whatever. I know you've got at least
one fart that you remember. We wanna hear about it.
« close it up
Posted by mikey at 08:06 AM.
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I'd like to think all of my farts are signature, but the two most recent ones I can think of:
When I first came out here to visit the meester, I fell asleep so early because of being all jet lagged. We were watching a movie. Apparently I farted in my sleep and it was loud. It was loud enough that he was doing the silent shoulder shake and trying not to wake me up in the process.
The second one was about a month ago. We were over at my in laws and I let one rip in the family room. It smelled so bad and lingered. The Meester's step dad happened to walk through the cloud and was like "whoa meester, what'd you do, shit your pants?" To which the Meester replied "no, that was my wife." Way to throw me under the bus.
Posted by
sporty on 03/28 at 08:29 AM
It was a brighttmorning, too bright for my tastes, that particular day. It was a morning following an evening of the battle of the castles. Newcastle Brown Ale and White Castle burgers.
FEMA, the
CDC and the
WHO were all on alert.
Several canaries were reported dead.
Posted by
johnny d on 03/28 at 08:34 AM
Well I don't really catalogue my farts, but there was this one time when the kids and I were at the grocery store that was pretty funny.
I was having a VERY gassy day and was letting them rip left and right when there was no other customers around. The kids caught a whiff here and there and were giggling.. but then I was reaching for something on a higher shelf and felt another one coming on. I did a quick scan to make sure no one was around and just let it out - it was loud and obnoxious and immediately smelly. I saw something out of the corner of my eye that didn't register as one of my children and so I did a sort of 1/2 turn to look and there was this lady right below me. How she got there, I don't know, but there was NO escaping or denying that I just literally farted on top of her.
I quick turned around with the cart and high-tailed it out of there trying not to show my face. Ha! Like she wouldn't recognize the rest of me. My oldest was right there and was DYING laughing. We couldn't stop laughing the rest of the trip and the whole way home. I was hoping they wouldn't share the story with dad, but they did. Talk about embarrassing.
And - I am LMAO @ the meester ratting sporty out! Too funny.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 03/28 at 08:45 AM
"still just dating"? Did we get married when I wasn't looking? hehehe.
Yes, babe, that one was just...
ripe. But, it was damn funny.
Posted by
Joelle on 03/28 at 09:28 AM
OK, about years ago at Thanksgiving, my then 5 yr. old nephew was going through some sort of bizarre "butt sniffing" phase (don't ask). anyhoo, i took it upon myself to cure him of that annoying habit . i was standing at the kitchen counter making something, and he came up behind me to sniff my bum. i let a loud, nasty one rip, and he screamed and ran into the bathroom to throw up. Good Times! to this day, i still chuckle when i think about that.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 03/28 at 09:28 AM
*about 6 years ago. gah.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 03/28 at 09:30 AM
When Hubs and I were dating, we were in my car after having had White Castles for dinner. (Perfect Fart Fuel). I said something smart assed and Hubs cracks off a "Slider Fart" (the deadliest ones known to mankind). Then the fucker locks the windows to the car so I couldn't open them. I was trapped! Ewwww!
Oh yeah, in 8th grade, we were on the gym floor doing some exercises and I tore one off by accident. It wasnt smelly, but I was sitting on the hardwood floor and the damn fart vibrated and echoed across the gym. I got called "Whiff" for a few days after that.
Posted by
Manic witch on 03/28 at 09:50 AM
I once unleashed a cloud so noxious that my wife, who had actually stormed into the room to yell at me about something, instantly fell to her knees and started crying for a few minutes.
As I apologized heavily, all she could say was "Why? Why?!" between the tears.
Posted by
Maine on 03/28 at 09:53 AM
I don't honestly have any memorable farts but I certainly remember some of the ones I've encountered that belonged to other people.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 03/28 at 10:25 AM
Wouldn't you know - I have two signature farts!
The first is when riding in the car I like to roll up all the windows and lock them and get a real stinker going and make my husband smell it. I know, pretty evil.
I'm also a fan of the classic dutch oven. There is nothing like a good warm fart under the covers...
Posted by
Yumjunkie on 03/28 at 10:25 AM
I once emptied an entire aisle in Best Buy. Loudly. And Smellily.
Posted by
Jason Stare on 03/28 at 10:45 AM
heh...
Mine occured several years ago. I was at my sisters house. She was downstairs in the living room. I was upstairs with my niece. We were sitting on the floor, playing Clue or something. The house has all hardwood floors. I am aassuming that had I done 'the lean', it would have just been an ordinary fart. But I did NOT lean. I just stayed flat on my bum, and let it rip. The niece was so shocked that she could not do a damned thing. I then heard my sister yell "OHMYGODWHOFARTED???", amidst much maniacal laughter.
The best part? My brother in law, who was in the garage...heard it loud and clear also.
I didn't find it all that funny at the time...cause it was a real cheek flapper..and it fucking hurt...
lol
Posted by
jen on 03/28 at 10:47 AM
I can honestly say that no one fart stands out above all others in my memory. I must have good air flow control or something.
Posted by
Laura on 03/28 at 10:50 AM
recently...new years day in mammoth...rhiannon and I are sitting across from each other putting our snowboarding boots on at 7 in the morning. Legs spread, leaning forward, just snuck it's way out FLAPHLAGAPH!
Rhiannon, about 3 feet away from me, head leaned down while putting on her boots, couldn't move from the position she was in while putting on her boots, and almost "booted" on the spot. She was pissed at me until we got to the mountain and said "wow. that's pretty."
because of the snowboard gear I had to deal with my own flatulent stench for about the next hour.
-z
Posted by
z on 03/28 at 10:58 AM
First I have to say that I am at work reading this - trying not to laugh out loud - which is incredibly hard since fart humor is like my favorite kind of humor - I have tears streaming down my face...omg my sides are killing me!
Okay so here is my story. So I was standing in the kitchen with my mom and my boyfriend of the time was in the family room - which is attached to the kitchen - sitting at the computer. I took a sip of soda and immediatley started to choke/drown on it. So I am coughing my fool head off - ya know those - straight from the guts-head ratteling coughs. Well apparantly - it was a bowel rattleing cough - because I ripped ass. Luckily it didn't smell - but it was unbelieveably loud. Over my coughing though I didnt hear it.
All I noticed was that my mom was laughing really hard - and Steve just kept looking at the computer. I ask my mom why she is laughing - she tells me - I don't believe her (You have to know my mom - she plays nasty tricks on me all the time) so I asked Steve..whom I have never even so much as burped in front of - if I farted. Which he answered with a resounding Yes..and followed by peals of laughter. At that moment I wished the soda had finished the job! =)
Posted by
Jenny on 03/28 at 12:26 PM
Nope. I'm totally a flower.
Posted by
Christina on 03/28 at 12:58 PM
I was playing a gig in La Costa and I had just turned on my mike and sat down on my vinyl covered keyboard bench. I had this little tingling in the colon, and decided it wouldn't be a blaster, so I lifted a cheek and attempted to do that restrained slow-leak that usually avoids a monstrous cacophony.
My sphinc apparently had a different idea. In my attempt to slowly leak out a squealer, I actually ended up producing a loud-enough-to-be-heard-over-my-echoing-microphone cheek flapper that lasted for at least 20 seconds (like peeing, once you start it you can't stop it). Without the mike, it would have been reasonably inconspicuous, but I could swear that I saw a couple of weekend bikers crane their necks to catch a glimpse of the Harley that they thought had just pulled up. What a way to start a set. And what could you possibly do for an encore?
Posted by
jo-fo on 03/28 at 01:24 PM
Last week. I don't know what I'd eaten, but I woke up in the morning with all this built up pressure, and figured I'd let the boyfriend have some peaceful sleep, so ran out to the bathroom to fart. Sat on the toilet to pee, and farted so much, SO LOUD that it rattled the closet doors in the next room (bedroom) and woke him up. LOL.
I heard about that all ... wait, I'm still hearing about that!
Ironically, my word is BUTT.
Posted by
Ange. on 03/28 at 02:32 PM
Mine is known for the sound it made, NOT the smell, because my farts don't smell. Seriously. (do you even KNOW how many times I've silently farted when in your presence and no one has known because....... NO SMELLING FARTS. Anyways)
It was when I was waking the boys up for school and the thing sounded like a machine gun at the beginning, non stop for like, I don't know 10 seconds, then at the end, it went all "duck". QUACK.
It was awesome, man.
Posted by
Y on 03/28 at 02:45 PM
I don't fart ever!
Uhhh ya. My ultimate fear is that when i'm with Jeff sleeping and I have no control of my bodily functions it will happen. I'm not looking forward to that day. We can talk about anything and what-not, but the fart thing has not reared it's ugly head...yet lol I'm gonna totally blame it on him when it happens though
Posted by
D on 03/28 at 03:03 PM
I don't have a "fart that shook the chair" that conjures any memories (way too many to keep track of), but the best fart I can remember came from my ex-girlfriends dog. I was so loud, so sharp and so foul that it scared the cat, cleared the room of all living beings and required half a can of lysol to eradicate.
Posted by
ds on 03/28 at 04:06 PM
I was 10, and my class was sitting in a huge circle in the gym, holding a parachute. The teacher told us to grab the egde, and fluff the parachute into the air. When I did, the extra "oomph" made me fart, loudly. And the only other sound was the whisper of the parachute falling to the floor. Needless to say, everyone heard it, but didn't know who did it, until they looked at my bright red face. I'll never forget it.
Posted by
Eden on 03/28 at 04:17 PM
I have done so many signature farts that it's not funny - my nickname as a kid wasn't "motorboat" for nothing - oh yeah and my university nickname was "pipes" and it definitely wasn't because of my muscuylar arms...
Posted by
Marie on 03/28 at 04:44 PM
Well, I've got a true story from way back when I was in Basic Training in the Army that I will never forget. It was the morning we were to go back to the barracks from bivouac. (Think camping in pup tents but with full military gear!) The platoon that I was in was the only platoon in our company smart enough to do the 12 mile road march out to bivouac so we were able to take buses back to the company area while the other three platoons took buses out to bivouac and had to do the 12 mile road march back to base. We break down our tents and gather all of the gear together to go back to base immediately after reveille, and wait for the buses to arrive. While we were waiting, our drill sergeants handed everyone an MRE for our morning chow. (MRE should stand for Meals Rejected by Everyone, not Meals Ready to Eat!) Every MRE that the drill sergent handed out had baked beans in them and of course we had to eat the MREs cold since everything was broken down for the trip back. We get back to base and sure enough, the cold baked beans gave everybody extra firepower in the barracks that afternoon! We were all amazed that the windows didn't break and the paint was still on the walls because all 50 of us in the platoon were letting them rip left and right with really long hang times all afternoon long!
Posted by
Mike on 03/28 at 05:14 PM
Hey Mike? Thats why the army calls sleeping bags-FartSacks! Hubs had the same thing going.
Mikey? Thanks for great laughs today! Lubs ya!
Posted by
manic witch on 03/28 at 08:05 PM
