Hey Freak!

Dude. I was at Mac's this morn, and I saw this story...

A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. (full story)

Dude. That is soooo Strange Brew (if you haven't seen it, there's a scene where Bob drinks an entire vat of beer. Then, there's a fire on the other side of the building, and... long story short, Bob puts out the fire).

I'll be chuckling all day about this.

Right after I made that last post, I saw this news article, which really confirms to me that most people only think of themselves, and they're serious assholes. Take Juan Manuel Alvarez, for instance. This motherfucker woke up this morning, and decided to commit suicide. His method of suicide? Driving his SUV onto some train tracks, then waiting to get hit.

One problem.

Well, more than one.

First of all, you know, it's sorry he wanted to kill himself, but hell, couldn't he figure out a way where other people might not possibly be hurt? I mean, that's like committing suicide by driving through red lights at high speed. You'll be fucking someone else up. Man, that's just far, far past wrong.

Secondly, bitch-ass changed his mind.

So what happened? He got out of his SUV (still on the tracks) and watched a commuter train hit it. From the force of the impact, it flew off the tracks and hit another train. 10 people died. More than one hundred injured. [full story] And what happened to ol' Juan Manuel? Minor injuries, totally unrelated to the crash.

Nice going, dickless.

People are assholes.

OK, so there's this weatherman in Vegas, and he's reading the forecast on the air...

"For tomorrow, 60 degrees, Martin Luther Coon King Jr. Day, gonna see some temperatures in the mid-60s." (full story)

Oh yeah. He got fired, even after multiple public apologies.

Then I got to thinking... what if that was just an unfortunate mistake, and not some racist upbringing coming to the forefront? Should he still have been fired? Is that fair?

My conclusion? Hell yeah, he should be fired. Not because I'm like, overly politically correct or anything... but hey, in any business, if you fuck up big and everybody sees it, whether it's your fault or not, someone's gotta take the fall. It might not be fair, but life isn't always fair.

And before you conservatives jump all over me, calling me a bleeding heart liberal or some other bullshit, imagine this scenario - he's doing his forecast, and he mentions George Pussy Bush. Honest mistake. Now, should he be fired? Of fucking course.

OK, for the past like, week, I've been kinda out of it. I mean, between being stuck in Vegas, and without my nightly viewing of news, Sportscenter, and Access Hollywood, I've been pretty out of touch with the world.

So, I heard that Brad and Jen split. From what I understand, there's a big hoo-haa about Randy Moss fake-mooning the crowd in Green Bay. And I guess that tsunami aid efforts are still continuing. Is there anything else I missed? Some new blog awards or something?

Yo. Get a load of this:

Heaven finally reveals the reason for William Hung's American Idol-launched fame. The "singer," whose lopsided talent-to-fame ratio rivals only Paris Hilton's, appeared with local musicians at a Hong Kong charity show, where they performed We Are the World and raised $6.2 million, the Associated Press reports. No word on whether the cash was coughed up because Hung sang or because he threatened to sing again. (full story)

Say what you want, but that's $6.2 million more for tsunami relief. Me? I won't say anything. I'll just laugh.

But hey. Good for him.

Man. What a weird year already.

It was a nice day out, so we decided to drive up to Mission Viejo for a little shopping at the Nike Women store, because she had a gift card for the place. So, before jumping in the shower, I decided to shave my head. Unfortunately, I slipped a bit while shaving, and proceeded to take a huge slice of skin off the side. Like, a half-dollar size. Ouch. It bled so much, we had to use one of them industrial strength healin'-promotin' bandages.

Then, it was time to go shopping. The thing is, I wasn't sure where this place was. So I used the store locator on the site, and it showed me where the store was, along with giving me some driving directions.

But. The directions? They sucked.

I mean, look at the directions here (ignore the part before the I-805). Once we turned on Oso Parkway, there was about 6 little turns coming all within a mile of each other. I thought that was a bit weird, but continued on anyways. So, we get up there, and we're smack dab in the middle of a residential neighborhood. Shoot, the entire area was residential. That locator gave us directions to someone's house, I guess. We ended up calling the place and getting directions, but still... I've never had such bad directions to a place. Take note: call the store first next time.

Later, we were in the mall, and of course, she's gotta check out the Sephora. So she's in there looking at stuff, and I go in, just so I don't feel like a loiterer outside. And then I saw something that I believe is one of the signs of the apocalypse:

Happy New Year!

insert fireworks here

Woo! Last post of 2004.

What does that mean?

Well. It certainly means that I'm a major geek, since I'm home and blogging when everybody else is out celebrating New Year's.

It's getting close... only two more shopping days left. Stumped for ideas? Why not get that special someone one of these:

Dude. Who thinks up these things?

It's very easy. Why not try and squeeze one out right now ?? All you need to tell us is how much you earn a year and how long your working day is (we won't record this, we don't really care). As soon as you leave for your poo click Start, then when you're back click Stop. [view site]

Like there's a big need to determine how much your poo is worth or something...

Or.

Is there...?

Don't know what to get that special woman in your life? Shoes, candles... yeah, she'll like that shit, but hey, what if she's one of those gadget chicks, too? You know, the girl geek that likes to have the state-of-the-art everything... newest computer, newest cell phone, whatever.

Problem solved.

Here are a few things designed to turn her cell phone... into a sex toy. No, seriously. Call it... "O" on the go. I just made that up. Feel free to use it.

My next invention? Cell phone condoms.

(link from Mac)

RIP River Phoenix. And more.

Go look. Mourn losses. Be snarky. It's fun!

And by the way, I think it's hilarious that, out of all the people being mourned, the RIP Bob Ross post has the most comments. Go, happy trees!

Oh shit! Speaking of RIP, I just heard that pornstar Lea de Mae died of a brain tumor on the 9th. RIP Lea de Mae.

Man. That Darth Vader. He's been raking in the endorsement deals. First, Sportscenter. Now, Target.

The fact that he's advertising for people now? Makes me think that Episode III is really gonna suck. But hey, at least I can get a wake-up call from the greatest Sith Lord ever.

OK, accompanying joke time:

Q: Where do Sith Lords shop?

Today is Julie's birthday, so go hassle her. She's 28 now.

It's also Jenna Jameson's birthday today. She's 29. You could try to hassle her, but I'm not so sure that she responds to all of her email personally.

Bill of Rights Pared Down to a Manageable Six

"Ten was just too much of a handful. Six civil liberties are more than enough."